Turn up the filth _{by Alessia Belsito-Riera}

The year is 2030. Humanity is all but wiped out, and there is only one man who can save us from the softc**kalypse: Heath Franklin’s Chopper. The moustachioed rascal crosses the pond with his new show The Last Hard B*stard on Earth, coming to the capital’s Opera House for one night only on the 16^th of May as part of the NZ International Comedy Festival.

“The Wellington shows are always great,” Franklin says. “I love the venues. Just being there! It’s one of the cities I always look forward to because the crowds are so awesome.”

The Australian comedian tells me that the character of Chopper naturally evolved from watching the Chopper film starring Eric Bana and directed by Andrew Dominik too many times in university. “Most people in uni or high school have that one movie they quote with their friends, and that one was mine,” he says, adding that after doing a show impersonating the notorious Aussie criminal Mark ‘Chopper’ Read, “it kept snowballing from there and here we are, 20-something years later”!

You’ll recognise Franklin’s Chopper from 7 Days and from previous tours across the motu. I caught up with the cult-criminal character about his new show, asking just how he plans on getting us out of the mess we’ve made.

How are you gonna save us from the softc**kalypse?

I’m like a giant road sign that’s like ‘hit the brakes now’. Basically a series of warnings and parables pointing out what’s on the road ahead. Whether you do or not, that’s up to you.

We’ve been warned! How do you think we ended up in this position?

It’s everything really. Everyone is worried about individuals now. They’re like, ‘what about me?’ Which is fine… until you turn 12, but then there is other stuff you’ve gotta get up to. I think the fact that everything is for sale now. Everyone’s like ‘I need a treat! I need to buy this!’ The only thing you really need to buy is tickets to a comedy show. And get outta the house. Don’t just sit around the house watching television – that’s the worst thing you can do.

How are you going to restart humankind?

That’ll be when I meet the audience afterwards. Hopefully there will be some people that are genetically appealing. Nice and diverse because you don’t want a Noah’s Ark situation where you get a bunch of wonky inbred things happening.

What is your least favourite type of alternative milk?

I don’t like any milk.

Not even cow’s milk?

I know, that’s a stupid thing to say in New Zealand, isn’t it? I’ll walk that back. I like cow’s milk, but I don’t like any other ones.

How can you even milk a cashew, right?

You just hit it with a hammer… good thing it’s not the same process for milking cows.

What is your weapon of choice in the softc**kalypse?

Anything you can grab. You can never surpass a big bit of wood with a nail through it. A cricket bat. Whatever is handy and has a nice bit of heft to it and a natural handle. Something you can swing around. All these electric power tools turn out to be a lot more useful than you think in the softc**kalypse – petrol is hard to find. It’s about inspiring fear in the hearts of your enemies as well as getting the job done.

How many self-diagnosing whingers do you think you could take in a fight?

Line ‘em up. I can’t see an avalanche of them poured on to me from the side of a mountain even making too much of difference. I’d just have to punch my way out. It’s once again all about resilience and these people decided not to have any. That’s the fight won before it even started.

Do you think you could one-punch them all?

Yeah, if I got them to cue up in a nice orderly line, I could punch all of them.

I’m sure you could get them to do that, they’re always very obliging.

It’d be cartoonish, but it’d still be good.

What is your spirit animal and why?

Probably the gorilla in the zoo that goes bonkers. Harambe. At least when you go down, make sure people know your name. How many other nameless gorillas out there just sat around eating bits of grass shoots and carrots? Go Harambe.

What are Chopper’s words to live by?

Harden the f**k up. Or just harden up depending on what sort of magazine this is [laughs].

What’s your MO for The Last Hard B**tard on Earth?

As usual with my show, it’s a ridiculous theme. For the most part it’s the very best jokes. I wrote a bunch, they seem pretty good, and I keep writing them just to make them better. So bring a change of pants or put on the old bloody brown corduroys because it’s a zinger.

A question for Heath: what do you think people love so much about Chopper?

Hopefully I have done a good job of turning him into a lovable scoundrel. He’s kinda like Han Solo if you turn up the filth.